You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
