I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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