woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize