I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
