I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
