I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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