Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize