the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
