I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
