so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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