Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
