She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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