I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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