Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
