dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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