I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
