upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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