so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
