Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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