I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
