i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
