Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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