How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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