I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
