i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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