you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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