My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
