Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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