My nipple is on Facebook.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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