dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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