my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
