The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
