Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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