I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
