I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
