she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
