my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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