Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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