Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
