I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
