I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
