I met the friendliest cop last night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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