I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
