her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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