I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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