Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
