He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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