he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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