How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
