some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
