This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
