You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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