I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
