Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
