there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize