i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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