you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
