There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
