There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We have started to decorate penises.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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