I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
