i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
