Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
