just come out here and I will go home with you...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
