3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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